Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
FUCK WHALES
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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