guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
