You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
