She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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