Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
