Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
