You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
