Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
and she was petting her beer can
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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