I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
