Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
