Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
