my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
