If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
