My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
