She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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