i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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