You can't motorboat a personality
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
