thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
