exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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