If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
