Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
