Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Enjoy the penises
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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