after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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