"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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