I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
