I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
