and you said cock pushups were impossible
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
