Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
