The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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