I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
