I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.