Life is so much better after having sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.