The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
