When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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