I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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