Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
