Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
