So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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