If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
