new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
