i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
