Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
