im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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