I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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