i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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