She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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