highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
