For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
