I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
