I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They have beer where we have blood.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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