I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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