someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
