Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
