Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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