I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
