i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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