my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
