24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
